Monolingual

My mom was an ESL teacher — English as a second language. Wait, there’s more languages than English? In a world of innate Anglophiles, English obviously dominates from the smallest and most useless instruction packets to the Internet to being an official language of decent sized countries.

Monolingual - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. Does the brain of a bilingual process language differently from that of a monolingual? We compared how bilinguals and monolinguals recruit classic language brain areas in response to a language task and asked whether there is a “neural signature” of bilingualism. Define monolingual. Monolingual synonyms, monolingual pronunciation, monolingual translation, English dictionary definition of monolingual. Using or knowing only one language. Mon′olin′gual n. Mon′olin′gualism n. A monolingual can; even better, the victim can understand and proceed to appreciate the blunt honesty. In opposition, a bilingual speaker’s chances of being appreciated for insightful statements decrease by roughly 50 percent, thus making them roughly 50 percent less happy than a monolingual speaker.

However, there are those awkward presences of bilingualism. The alien human beings who possess a most unusual and highly unnecessary skill of speaking English and another — unneeded — language.

Being a gifted monolinguist,

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I can accurately confirm the benefits of being a monolingual:

  1. You’re blunt. Want to crudely remark or humorously comment on someone as they pass by? A monolingual can; even better, the victim can understand and proceed to appreciate the blunt honesty. In opposition, a bilingual speaker’s chances of being appreciated for insightful statements decrease by roughly 50 percent, thus making them roughly 50 percent less happy than a monolingual speaker.
  2. You have more free time. A monolingual struts into a high-class job interview at a snazzy, high paying company with glass architecture and fancy coffee machines. The competition is fierce between the two qualified finalists: a blunt monolingual and the bilingual. The bilingual receives the job and begins a beautiful career; unfortunately for the bilingual, this equates to endless days of six-figure salaries, small talk and networking, packaged benefits, and a full-time career. Luckily, the monolingual now has an ample amount of free time to fulfill their endless aspirations.
  3. You learn more while abroad. With boundless energy from midday naps and infinite free time, one of a monolingual’s dreams may be to travel abroad. Naïve, innocent, or ignorant to non-English speaking places, the monolingual possesses the opportunity to become an adventurer of the New World during their unemployed, midlife; an opportunity unfortunately unavailable to a bilingual who already acknowledged the world beyond English from a young age — an adventurer, they are not.
  4. You trust translation. Foreign entertainment’s closed captioning and subtitles are always correct for the monolingual — who has the free time to enjoy such things. To be determined by a scientific study: monolingual speakers develop strong trust toward the blurbs of English words at the bottom of screens. “Quand? J’ai dit” is, in fact,Con? Jay Z” because that makes sense. Of course, an MC will introduce Super Junior as Sipping Tea; no, it’s not the auto-generated, English closed captioning. In essence, a bilingual may develop trust issues with translated works, another problem the trusting and fortunate monolingual will never encounter.
  5. You get the free lollipops at the doctor’soffice. At the end of a long, adventurous, freeing, entertained life, the monolingual receives one more benefit over the bilingual: frequent visits to the doctor. Why? Because monolingual speakers enjoy the statistical evidence of being more susceptible to Alzheimer’s symptoms. A final, unfortunate event — lollipops — the bilingual cannot experience. Free lollipops outweigh losing the memory of precious free time; free time that allowed gratitude from strangers, exploring the exotic wilderness of Quebec, and mindlessly reading the subtitles of Korean dramas instead of the actual dramas.

Sincerely,

Monolingual Mac

The Obnoxiously Bitter Monolingual Deepmp3.